To Whom It Definitely Concerns:
Though I know you won’t read this, I feel compelled to share my thoughts. I am writing you today out of sadness, frustration, and a little anger.
Not that long ago I would not have admitted the anger I didn’t think I had the right to feel. And that would have made me more angry at myself which is how I spent much of the time. But that isn’t the point of this letter that will not be read. At least by the three people that matter most to me. The three people who are also sad and frustrated. And angry.
In my fantasy, you develop intimate friendships that provide perspective on the entirety of our relationship. With that insight, judgments are replaced by observations. In addition, you appreciate that it took two to stop the tango.
In reality, I know age does not guarantee the ability to see the closest of relationships in different lights. You are not alone. The universe is littered with the failures of men and women to see family members in their completeness, their weaknesses, strengths, their pain, and perhaps most importantly, their growth.
The failure to see the ones you love, or those you are supposed to love, outside the narrowest of confines, is a tale of disappointment that can be insurmountable. For many, this failure is an insidious weed spreading and eventually weakening the foundation of who they are.
That is my deepest worry for you. I will do whatever it takes to prevent you from living your lives with the weight of that disappointment upon your shoulders. The only thing I cannot do, is to go back in time.
The reasons we are no longer a family are not as simple as those you seem to embrace, unable or perhaps unwilling to let go. Our family will not magically reemerge If I lose weight and get a job. I understand how logical that solution appears. When I was thinner and had a job, we were a family. I am fat and unemployed and we are no longer a family.
There are so many other aspects to what took place in the relationship between your mother and I. I won’t speak to her feelings. That would be inappropriate since I would be guessing. I can only talk to my feelings, specifically, my growth, my journey on my road to self-actualization. I know that may sound hippy-dippy and trigger eye-rolls. For the first time in my life I am able to understand my feelings as they occur. The ability to do so has made a massive difference in how I take care of my “self.”
In fact, I’ve decided to go back to school with the goal of becoming a therapist. I think I will be extremely content and satisfied helping others in the same ways I’ve been helped by my therapist.
Finally, as I began, I know you’re in pain. You’re angry. I only hope at some point you can talk to me about those feelings and we can begin the process of building new relationships.
I will not give up on you and hope someday you find the perspective to see me for who I am. I think you’d actually like me.
He who shall not be named
P.S. I know. i know. The graphic has nothing whatsoever to do with the post. It made me laugh. Some mornings, that’s a gift.
P.P.S. This is not a suggestion that one of the girls is on the cusp of matrimony. I just like the clip.