Lessons From Television and Movies

As a change of pace today, I’m sharing some lessons I’ve learned from watching TV and movies.

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If I ever get tired of my wife, I’m going to get a job at NCIS or FBI’s Profiling division.

I’ll work my way up the ladder and sooner than later (3rd season perhaps?) a South American drug lord, middle-Eastern terrorist or homegrown psychopath will terminate my bride with extreme prejudice. Here’s a little matrix describing the scenarios.

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If I’m chased in an airport by evil henchmen working for a megalomaniac, media maven, I’m going to duck into the family restroom, between the men’s and women’s room.

While the henchmen are kicking open the doors to each stall, one by one, destroying the bathroom’s ceramic fixtures, water spraying wildly out of broken pipes, I’ll nonchalantly stroll out and grab a cab to the nearest Arby’s. Henchmen never go to Arby’s.

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If I’m ever a sassy, quirky hacker turned FBI computer expert, I will always assume I’m on speakerphone when ever my phone rings.

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If both of your parents are psychiatrists, you will eventually kill someone, probably one of your parents, if not everyone in your hometown.

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If I am in hostage negotiations, and the kidnapper abruptly hangs up, even if they are calling my cellphone, everyone will still hear an old-fashioned dial tone.

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At the holidays, every present I wrap will have a shoe-box configuration. I’ll wrap the lid separately from the rest of the box so when someone opens it, they just remove the lid.

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The most dangerous place to stow a witness is a safe house. Somehow, bad guys always find it.

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If you own a multinational business and terrorists target you, find a disgruntled, alcoholic cop to go after the bad guys.

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There is no crime in history that is too complex that a mathematician consulting for the FBI cannot solve it.

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If you attend a debutante “Coming Out” ball , and your “real” boyfriend (not the loser your parents approve of) goes to public school, do not sneak out to grab a smoke and fool around.

It will not end well.

I’m pretty sure this post counts toward my public service requirement. Happy Sunday!

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